ALL ABOARD -- from Mark S., Chicago

With his request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield,he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm the pilot," he responded, "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is you're NOT my flight instructor?"

RETIREMENT -- AIN'T IT WONDERFUL? -- from Rick F. in Tinley Park

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where --

1. you are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade

2. you've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl

3. you can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town

4. you have over 100 recipes for Mexican food

5. you know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door

6. the four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!

You can live in California where --

1. you make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house

2. the fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway

3. you know how to eat an artichoke

4. you drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party

5. when someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how miles it is

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can live in New York City where --

1. you say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan

2. you can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but you can't find Wisconsin on a map

3. you think Central Park is "nature"

4. you believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual

5. you've worn out a car horn

6. you think eye contact is an act of aggression

You can live in Maine where --

1. you only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas

3. you have more than one recipe for moose

4. sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons

5. the four seasons are: winter, still winter, tourist, and almost winter

You can live in the Deep South where

1. you can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural

3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense

4. everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in Colorado where --

1. you carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car

2. you tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center

3. a pass doe not involve a football or dating

4. the top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

You live in the Midwest where --

1. you've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name

2. your idea of a traffic jam in ten cars waiting to pass a tractor

3. you have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day

4. you end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. when asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."

and You live in Florida where --

1. you eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon

2. all purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars

3. everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist

4. road construction never ends anywhere in the state

5. cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

ELDERLY LADIES -- from Alice S. (Chesapeake, Va) and Mark S. (Chicago, IL)

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car putting along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front and three in the back -- wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 127.

Never let it be said that any Stubbe -- and there are a bunch of you out there who have GGGGrandpa Leopold Stubbe's blood in you -- doesn't have a sense of humor. This funny stuff was sent to me by both cousins Mark and Alice:

It's about UPS Airlines.

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely on our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are soem actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. And never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor either.

Oh, and by the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right man landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one.)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last--

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Love life -- laugh a lot. Your mental health will jump for joy.

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