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http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2008/11/081107-bully-brain.html -- This is an interesting article that discusses research from Biological Psychogy.
New research says that bullies enjoy watching their victims squirm in discomfort; that they are quite
purposely in causing pain and suffering.
What do we mean by emotional cutoff? According to Dr.
Murray Bowen, the ground-breaking guru on family systems theory, this is a powerful psychological device which helps people
reduce anxieties. These anxieties are usually centered around old hurts and deep pains that have occurred in the family. What
the individual does is simply move away. Kind of "get out of Dodge." Sometimes we call this the "geographical
cure." Emotional cutoffs involve moving away from the family and not going back. Well, sometimes it's just not possible
to move away so what the person then does is avoid sensitive issues. When someone does bring up an uncomfortable topic at
a family gathering, there's a quick change of subject or some other way to divert attention away from the uncomfortable.
The ability to cutoff may, in fact, lessen anxieties but at the expense of contaminating other relationships. This is especially
true when stress begins to chip away and erode relationships. The best bet and most effective way to reduce anxieties
is to soften the intensity of discomfort with some emotional contact, however small. (See this article for more detail: http://www.thebowencenter.org/conceptec.html) .
If you thought it was important to pick your battles carefully, then I have another
clue for you. It's just as important to pick your friends carefully. Good friends build you. They don't
suck all your emotional energy out of your body. We all know people like that. We dread seeing them come toward us. We avoid
answering the phone when the caller ID says they're calling. Self-preservation of a sort takes over and we avoid these
people. Instead, focus on people who make you feel special. Cultivate friendships with people who treat you like a special
person. Leave the other people alone. They'll find someone else to bleed out. Miserable people usually find each other.
They'll focus on their negativity and commiserate with one another all day long. But you don't have to participate.
There are a lot of bright, sunny people who have warm dispositions out there. Go find them.
Be charming. People will be drawn to you if you develop some way to be charming.
Ever notice that charming people are those people who are focused on other people? They are quick to point out positive attributes
in others. When you meet someone today, say something nice about them to them. For instance, if you're getting on an elevator
and run into a co-worker, you might say something to a guy, "I like that tie." I like to compliment people. They
put time and effort in getting ready to meet the public so why not reward that? As opposed to someone who walks through
their days with what I call "bed hair." What can you say complimentary about that? Not much, but maybe the person
has a nice smile or a pleasant tone of voice. Or you might say, "I admire your always being on time," or "I
can always depend on you to have your projects done on time." Look for something nice to say to people you meet. People
will find you charming. Do you have to be charming? No, you can go through life being a sour puss that people don't want
to be around. How much fun is that? Charming people, on the other hand, get farther and have more friends.
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People become addicted to their work. We tease them a bit and call them workaholics,
but the truth of the matter is, work addicts throw so much passion into their work that they have little left over for loved
ones. Or loved ones believe they are just getting the crumbs, and not the good parts of the addicted person. If you're
a work addict, try to ease up a bit. Consider the very real possibility that you've allowed a work addiction to grow because
it has become the bedrock of your identity. Developing a good workable identity is one of the chores of adolescence. By the
end of adolescence, you ought to have your identity pretty much the way you want yourself to be. If you don't, then there's
a strong likelihood that you'll become a workaholic. Then your job or career becomes your identity. This can be grievous
if you're married. Work really hard at getting home for dinner. Good job security says there will be something to do at
work when you get in tomorrow. So don't try to do it all everyday before you leave. Recharge your vitality -- go home
and play. Your spouse deserves nothing less. There are sad disappointments in store for people who think they can put their
lives on hold.
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Repeat after me: Disagreeable people are angry, hostile people.
Believe it or not there are people who will disagree with you no matter what you say or which position you take. They're
hostile people. And they advertise their hostilities just by opening their mouths! There would always be at least one when
I was teaching psychology at Joliet Junior College and Moraine Valley College. They were the students who thought they knew
everything there was to know about Freudian theory (in a Psych 101 course). They were the students who countered much of the
lesson plan. Disagreeable people frequently act out their own personal delusions and are not about to be swayed with facts,
so don't bother trying to convince them of factual material. They're still busy working out something buried down
in their psyche. It's where they got stuck in development. Oh, and by the way, they'll bait you and they try to take
hostages.
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Have you ever had a general nagging sense of something just not quite right
-- but couldn't put your finger on the source of your discomfort? If that's the case, then you are describing
anxiety. When you try to explain to a person who's experiencing anxieties, the first reaction is generally "I'm
not afraid of anything." But anxieties are incomplete fears. You get all the feelings of discomfort.
But what you don't get is the identity of what may be bothering you. When these fears get disguised and hidden away deep
in the pockets of memory of our psyche, then we have to go find the source of all that bother. It may well take some rummaging
around before you find out exactly what this discomfort is all about, but the peace of mind that follows is well worth it.
So what can you do? If you have the time, inclination and motivation, journaling is very helpful. But in order
for it to be journaling and not just a "dear diary" entry, there is an important difference. In order for journaling
to be therapeutic, two elements are necessary: 1) a minimum of 45 minutes ought to be set aside on a daily basis for you to
explore your thoughts, and 2) focus on positive solutions. It's true that as you focus on positive thoughts, little negative
ones will worm their way to the surface of your consciousness. They're like little boogey men coming to the surface. Let
them. These thoughts are very tenacious. As they become "visible" to your conscious mind's "naked eye,"
then take a look at them.
In a way, you could say that the focus on positive thoughts is a way to bait the negativity
out of the dark corners. So if you're only writing for twenty minutes or so, it's not going to happen. But after about
45 minutes, you'll be amazed at how your writing changes, qualitatively. Just keep journaling until you feel like you've
explored your thoughts to their fullest. When you put your pen down, you ought to feel more at ease. Next day, do it again.
And keep doing it until Anxinosaurusrex quits bothering you.
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Figure out what's really important to you. That's what you want to keep
in your life. Don't go squandering all that emotional energy fretting about what could never be. About
what happened years ago. Unfortuntely the world is filled up with people who make mistakes. It's a big mistake to think
that they make their mistakes on purpose. Especially if they hurt your feelings. Sometimes life just happens and as much as
we try to, we really don't have all that much control over what other people do. Maybe they're just big babies
and want to suck you into the swirling waters of their own mental chaos. Rise above all that. You'll be happier.
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